“The Child Snake Killer of Bourke”.

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Hi! My name is Alex Riley and I used to work at the old Government Printing Office in King William Road, Adelaide.
When I was a young lad (with hair) I accidentally killed a snake with my stick.
That was back of Bourke in New South Wales
I still have the snake at home, unfortunately it’s dead, but it does take pride of place in my beautiful Jaguar’s garage.
And YES! although I am old and senile, I am still Alive.
The Toff

“No Trespassers here mate.”

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Image: CharlesPhotoplace.com
Many years ago Ian Ingham (proofreading) heard that I was going on a fishing trip up to Mannum with some unknown friends of ours.
He said that if I liked we could park at his shack and use the outdoor barby and toilet facilities.
As he was leaving to go overseas that weekend he said that it would be OK as no one would be there.
On arrival we let the kids out to play, the women were to prepare the food, while Jeff (an unknown person) and I checked out the fishing from the small boating jetty nearby.
Not long after the kids came rushing down to tell us that there was this bloke who had turned up and he was “mad as hell” and said we were trespassing and he was going to call the cops.
Back at the shack I could see this old guy was rather agitated and so I got in first and asked if he was Ian Ingham’s father.
Thankfully he was, so I told him that I worked with Ian in the Jobbing room at the Old Guv and Ian was supposed to tell him that we were coming up for the day.
With that he calmed down immediately and invited us into the shack to have a beer with him.
Mr Ingham said that he was quite disappointed with his son’s lousy memory and worse still that Ian was a tea drinker rather than being a beer drinker.
The Toff

“The Toff’s Big Cock Up”.

BIGBay white French door2The Toff (Alex Riley) had been busily painting his house outside.
All woodwork, gutters, verandahs, posts, picket fences,doors were all done.
He has also just completed the six wooden doorsteps with fresh paint.
Then Toff asked his beloved wife Maxine if she would mind opening the two sets of locked French doors.
She replied that she had unlocked one set, but not the other.
On asking as to why she had only unlocked one, the reply came back that the other French door was already open.
Oh! shit The Toff then recalled that he had opened them for the electrician to re-gas the air-conditioner and check the filters, and that was in 2014.
The Toff now acknowledges that although he is wealthy he is a fool, idiot and had put his his beloved wife in mortal danger for over two years.
He now checks the doors daily.
The Toff

“The Toff had a crap 2016”.

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Last year Bridgewater in the Adelaide Hills was hit with a hail storm accompanied with the worst winds in 20 years.
The mercury plunged to around 0.9 degrees around 11.00am.
In the past 12 weeks 553mm of rain has fallen up here.
We had four trees lopped at the top and branches were strewn about like feathers and some acted as spears entering the soft ground by up to 100 to 150mm.

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The hail lasted around 20 hours before melting. Our power supply was off for approximately 14 hours.
Fortunately, the Rileys have a combustion wood heater, but no fan. Boo Hoo!

The Toff      

“My Cheapskate Chrissy Present.”

p3180002One Christmas I bought my parents a used DVD player as VCR’s were being phased out.
Because I’m a cheapskate I bought a cheaper used model with as less buttons as possible to make it easier for them to handle.
After some melting moments my mum seemed OK with the unit and she managed to load and unload DVD’s after much repetitive teaching.
All was going well for about three months, when I received a call from mum saying that the DVD was playing music.
I thought this was rather odd as DVD players don’t come with in-built speakers. She indicated that it would play for hours at a time and dad was not happy. Every time I visited their house, of course it was not playing music and no way could I get any ”music” out of the machine.
Mum said that the music seemed to come on every Thursday and would play all night, sometimes still playing the next day.
One Saturday morning I phoned mum and she was beside herself. The used DVD player started playing music on Thursday and had been going non-stop.
She said that she had been up till midnight pressing every button and it still persisted and dad was furious, in fact he wanted me to come over and rip the bloody thing out.
I asked mum to place the phone near the DVD so that I could listen to it. After hearing the ”music” I said that the sound could not be coming from the DVD player so I asked her not to touch it as I was coming straight over to sort matters out.
On arrival I was not greeted with a ”hello”, but greeted with ”it’s still playing”.
On approaching the DVD I said to mum that the ”music” was not coming from the DVD. She lost it and yelled out to my dad who promptly appeared and said he was sick of it and wanted it removed.
So with that I removed the used DVD player and took it out of the room. On returning, mum said it was still playing, even though there was no DVD player in the room.
I turned to a pile of Christmas cards and handed them to my mum. The music was still playing – apparently coming from a very old musical Christmas card from the Christmas before.
It appears that each Thursday their house cleaner would pick up the cards and dust in that area and some cards had warped and this cleaning action started off the musical card.
My parents were dumbfounded, but never said sorry, just relieved that the music had stopped.
Another true story by Alex Riley
 

“Dad’s Lost Cash”.

lewerica_zpsa50e798bBack in the early 1970s my parents booked a conducted tour of England and the continent. At a pre-departure meeting my father asked the Tour Director what was the safest way to carry money.
The Tour Director advised my dad to purchase several men’s singlets and cut patches out of one and sow the patches onto the other singlets to form a pocket large enough to take banknotes.
She explained that that was the safest way as you then put a shirt on followed by a sports coat or jumper and your money would be safe from would be thieves. Mum thought it was a great idea and promptly had six singlets made up.
On arriving in London, my dad ventured to the nearest bank and came back to the hotel with his £800 English pounds and placed them into the pocket of one of the singlets.
In the morning my parents were first to board the bus so they could get the best seats as they were heading off to Paris. After travelling for an hour on the M1 my dad decided to do a ‘money check’ and to his dismay there was no money in the pocket. He suddenly turned green and began to sweat and mumbled to mum that he had lost his £800 English pounds.
After going through all his pockets twice and finding zero mum approached the Tour Director about dad’s dilemma. It was decided that at the next available rest stop the bus would pull in so that dad could go through his case as he must have put on the wrong singlet. As they were first on board the bus all the luggage had to be pulled out so that dad could search his case.
So there’s dad rummaging through his suit case checking each singlet.
Sadly after checking each one there was no sign of the missing £800 English pounds. Dad was now sweating profusely so he took off his sports coat and handed it to mum. He then dived into her case in the hope of finding his missing £800 English pounds.
Suddenly mum announces to dad that she has just found the missing £800 English pounds. Dad says don’t be stupid mum, I have been through the pockets of the sports coat 100 times and the money is not there. Mum replies that:- ”Dad you have put your singlet on back to front”

A true story by The Toff