The Day my Dad Lost 800 British Pounds.

lewerica_zpsa50e798bBack in the early 1970s my parents booked a conducted tour of England and the continent.
At a pre-departure meeting my father asked the Tour Director what was the safest way to carry money.
The Tour Director advised my dad to purchase several men’s singlets and cut patches out of one and sow the patches onto the other singlets to form a pocket large enough to take banknotes.
She explained that that was the safest way as you then put a shirt on followed by a sports coat or jumper and your money would be safe from would be thieves. Mum thought it was a great idea and promptly had six singlets made up.
On arriving in London, my dad ventured to the nearest bank and came back to the hotel with his £800 English pounds and placed them into the pocket of one of the singlets.
In the morning my parents were first to board the bus so they could get the best seats as they were heading off to Paris.
After traveling for an hour on the M1 my dad decided to do a ‘money check’ and to his dismay there was no money in the pocket. He suddenly turned green and began to sweat and mumbled to mum that he had lost his £800 English pounds.
After going through all his pockets twice and finding zero mum approached the Tour Director about dad’s dilemma.
It was decided that at the next available rest stop the bus would pull in so that dad could go through his case as he must have put on the wrong singlet.
As they were first on board the bus all the luggage had to be pulled out so that dad could search his case.
So there’s dad rummaging through his suit case checking each singlet.
Sadly after checking each one there was no sign of the missing £800 English pounds.
Dad was now sweating profusely so he took off his sports coat and handed it to mum. He then dived into her case in the hope of finding his missing £800 English pounds.
Suddenly mum announces to dad that she has just found the missing £800 English pounds. Dad says don’t be stupid mum, I have been through the pockets of the sports coat 100 times and the money is not there.
Mum replies that:- ”Dad you have put your singlet on back to front”

A true story by The Toff

The Toff and The Dick.

When I first spotted this guy strutting through the Comp room my immediate impression was that this guy must be high up alongside the Government Printer. On asking the senior apprentice Brian Hartshorne I was told that he was the Government Storekeeper in charge of all stores.
Wow, I thought, he must be one of the top men here. What a job – in charge of all government stores. Little did I know that he was just a stores clerk.
Years later, I purchased a block of land at Highbury and thought about placing a printed sign on the block. I needed a sheet of about 4-ply board. So off I go to the store and stupid me approached PS and asked for one sheet. He replied “Sure where’s your ‘chit’?”
Sadly, I did not have a chit and with that he gave me a dressing down and told me to never ever again ask him for anything without a chit.
I left devastated and bewildered and thought what an arsehole that man is. Later that day I sneaked back to the store and took what I required.
Around five years later Fred Hardwicke approached me and asked if I would typeset PS’s daughter’s wedding invitation, it had Nobby’s approval. I replied ‘Where’s his chit, Fred’? I then said to Fred that I wouldn’t set the invitation and told him of my episode with PS regarding one sheet of board.
Fred went red and said ‘I’ve always hated that man. He took off his apron, grabbed the copy and stormed off to shirt front PS.
On his return he was more red faced and said ‘I fixed up that bastard’ and went straight to Nobby and said ‘No one on my staff will set anything for that man’.
Later that day Ray Stagg came up to me and said, ‘Thanks Riley. Now I have to set this up, Thanks Cruel Bastard’!
The Toff

OGL Luncheon Report, 20 April, 2018.

Caption: The real state of the relationship in the Brown Household

Guests of Honour: Wayne Brown and The Saintly Angela Brown.

Wayne won his OGL Gong for his outstanding contribution to the English Language whilst Angela got a Special Mention for living for 47 years with a man who was Doctor Jekyll at home and a Mister Hyde at Work

Attendees: Alex Riley, Rod Parham, Judy Marks, Ian Russell and wife Yvonne, Dennis Grover, Garth Mugford, Ray Belt, ‘The Powells’ (Rob and Wendy), David and Marilyn Harding, Faye McConnell, Brian Hartshorne, Keith Oxley, John Bryant, David Barber, Mike Carter, Con and Norma Rodgers, Ian and Margaret Pedler, Barry O’Donnell, Ellen Krueger, Eunice Wright, Marianne Hunn, Emma, (Marianne’s friend),  Janet McGuiness, Vic Potticary, Geoff Michell, Dennis Duthie and WO Duthie, Peter Meghery.
In Memoriam: Lew Morrison, David Wallis and Ken Crooks.
On the Sick List: Bruce Lockier, Jyll Watson, Charlie Korff, Charmaine Ely.
Highlights of the Day: Barry O’Donnell’s tribute to Lew Morrison. Victorians Dave Barber and Mike Carter were a big hit, although no-one remembered Mike’s name and Ian Pedler stole the show with some stories from the Old Guv Bindery.
It was another outstanding success.
The Toff

The Toff Strikes Again.

splash

Some years ago The Toff callously inundated the late unsuspecting Bob Miller with a Tsunami of filthy, putrid water by deliberately driving his expensive Jaguar through a large pool of rain water outside the Rex Hotel.
Since then that evil bastard Toff has been looking for another victim.
He settled on Brian “Grubby” Hartshorne, with whom he had a long feud spanning some 50 years.
All over a bunch of bloody leaves, would you believe.
Anyway, we have a mind boggling graphic image from the day of the vicious incident where Riley the Toff finally settled up on his mate Grubby! (see above).
Shocking isn’t it? What a Bastard is the Toff.

Dirty Tricksters: Part Two.

Caption: “It’s all True.”- The Toff. With apologies to the late and great Terry Thomas.
At the Old Guv Printing Office there were a lot of dirty tricks played upon honest innocent people by their fellow workmates that delighted those sick bastards.
Take Greg (Sluggo) Novice for instance. At tea break we lined up at the tea urn.
Little did we know that Greg had dropped a cake of Solvol soap into the urn. Needless to say that that dirty trick was not taken too well.
Did Greg stop there? No. Another dirty trick by Greg was to ‘cook’ his saveloys in the urn.
When the tea goers poured out the water from the urn – yep the water was pure red.
Warren (Abo) Pietsch would bring in fresh eggs to sell to a small group of comps.
Imagine the next breakfast as the egg buyers began their breakfast of eggs and bacon. They soon discovered that some, not all, had been hard-boiled.
What a dirty trick.
A smart-arse apprentice Mick Mulcahy prided himself as a morning tea thief.
He would lie in wait as Riley washed his hands for morning tea. On returning to his work frame Riley (The Toff) soon discovered that some of his food was missing. What a dirty trick.
Later that week Riley brought in some cockle cakes for his morning tea. What the dirty little trickster was not aware of was the cakes had been doctored and were mouldy inside.
The dirty little trickster never struck again.

Finally, Friends after 54 years.

 A ridiculous dispute over Alex Riley not sweeping up some flame tree leaves off the pavement outside the Old Government Printing Office in King William Road some 54 years ago has been finally settled.

On the one hand we had a snotty nosed apprentice Alex (the Toff) claiming that Brian (Grubby) Hartshorne (Senior Apprentice) had set him up by scattering flame tree leaves on the pavement after Alex had supposedly cleaned them up.
Alex got into trouble with the Government Printer, Les (The Bull) Hawes who had screamed at Alex and accused him of being an incompetent lazy idiot and what’s more a Liar. All which was true, of course

Grubby Hartshorne denied any involvement in the flame tree incident and continued to do so for the next 54 years.
This incident has given Alex thousands of sleepless nights whilst Grubby has gone on blissfully unaware of the pain he may or may not have inflicted on the now 70+ year old Toff.
And then after over 54 years of cowardly silence and inaction Alex finally fronted Brian at an Old Guv Legends Luncheon.
Brian being the happy go lucky bloke that he is finally owned up about his guilt, by saying. YES, I DID IT!
So the two aging men finally shook hands.
Oh, What a Lovely Little Boring Story about a bruised Toff’s Ego.