Is the Toff a Crook or a Bullshit Artist?


Photo: The late Harry “The Horse” Kinder (left) warned me many years ago about what a bastard Alex “The Toff” Riley (right) could be.
Is The Toff a Bomb Maker, Vandal, or Peeping Tom or simply just a bullshit artist?
THE story begins on a visit to the Adelaide Airport when The Toff was pulled aside and asked if he had any objection to being tested for bomb making residue on his clothing.
The Toff sarcastically replied that he was a 90 year old retired “Planner in Charge” who had lost the use of both of his hands in the Korean War and had not made any bombs that week.
The security guy went ballistic and said that he would have him frog marched out of the airport and be made to appear in front of Tony Abbott the very next day.
The Toff clamped up and offered up only one word answers from then on. Luckily the State Governor put in a good word for Alex and he walked free.
Well f**k me, then it happened again.
The very next time The Toff returned to the airport he was pulled aside and asked the very same question again.
This time the Toff replied cautiously and said he was now a 75 year old pensioner with “disabilities” and had fought in Vietnam.
The security guy apologised and said he was only doing his job. The Toff was not amused and muttered under his breath “moron” as he walked away.
Well f**k me, then this happened.
Some months went past and then The Toff received a letter from a Bad Debt agency.
The letter demanded how and when was he going to pay the $2,500 fine for the shop window front in the Riverland town of Berri that he tossed a wheelie bin through on New Year’s Eve.
The Toff was shattered as once again he was being accused of something he did not do.
Really? He phoned the agency and said you have the wrong man as he the Toff was a 80 year old pensioner who could not lift an empty wheelie bin, yet alone throw it through a plate glass window.
The Toff said he could prove that he was at Seaton that night at a New Years Eve  Party for geriatrics, some 150kms away. Fortunately the dumb guy agreed and no more was heard.
Well f**k me, and then this happened.
Some bloke left his business card in the Toff’s “letterbox asking the Toff  to call him. This bloke David, said there was a “victims of crimes” case against the Toff regarding his assault on a woman called Elizabeth.
This time the Toff explained to the bloke that he was a 85 year old pensioner with dementia, a heart problem and had recently undergone brain surgery.
Oh! said the bloke – sorry about that but a number of people have said they think you look like a sexual predator. 
Well f**k me said The Toff, how many more bastards are using my name out there.
by Anonymous in the Interests of Public Safety!

For Bob Miller this was no Joke. Why are people so Cruel?

                   – The Toff (Alex Riley)
“Wadya think about that little Statement from The Toff″.
“I’ll answer that with one little story mate, it goes like this….”
One winter’s day Alex is on his way to work at Netley, and the rain was fairly bucketing down.
Alex had just driven past the Rex Hotel when he spies the late poor old Bob Miller up ahead.
Bob is struggling in the wet to keep his pushbike on the road when our “Hero” sees a huge puddle of muddy water just ahead of Bob.
So quite deliberately he speeds up and sends a huge Tsunami of Water crashing down on Bob.
So Bob is covered in stinking muddy water courtesy of Riley. When Bob gets to work he tries to find the Cruel Alex, but can’t.
Not many people saw Alex that day as it is rumoured that he spent most of it hiding in the women’s toilet.
“Bloody Hell. That’s the worst act of cruelty I’ve ever heard of cobber”.
“Ain’t it just!”
Anonymous Bastards

“I Apologise Ron” Yes, another True Story.

This is a True story about Ian “Meggsie” Grunert.
The Social Club put on a Cabaret over at the Netley Canteen. Grunny shows up rotten drunk from watching Westies at Richmond Oval and spending some time at the Rex Hotel.
He sees his old mate, Ron Fletcher (factory manager) and “wife” and makes a bee line for the table.
He jumps up on Fletcher’s table and tries dancing on the table to the “Lew Murray All Stars”.
It’s a bit hard for Meggsie to keep his balance so he starts throwing peanuts and yelling obscenities at Fletcher and his cronies.
Early on the Monday morning after he fronts Rod Parham and says he wants to see Ron Fletcher first thing…Fletcher walks into his office and says,
“My wife wants you sacked!”
You can see that he’s really pissed off!
So Grunert says, “No-one should have to put up with that sort of Shit Ron”. “I APOLOGISE RON”.
Fletcher is absolutely gob smacked and says, “Well, that’s OK Ian, I appreciate an honest and truthful man.”
After a bit more suckholing Grunert and Parham left, it was a brilliant move on Grunert’s part.

The Tie Cutter.

118979785131iie4-scaled5001. Who was the Comp who would befriend all newcomers in the Comp Room?
2. He would gather all the information about their lives, their marriage, their children and their hobbies.
3. He would befriend them, they would think he was a lovely man…
4. After about 3 or 4 months he would cut all ties with them!
5. Some say he never spoke to them ever again.
6. His longest friendship was with Alf Slender (a pleasant Englishman).
For over a year the two families would socialise together. They went to the movies, had picnic days, attended Dances (where Alf played the Drums).
Then, on a Monday morning after a Weekend of joyous family fun, Alf said “Good Morning” to the Mystery Man.
There was absolute SILENCE. For a second time Alf said “Good Morning”. Our Mystery stranger turned and walked away and never spoke to Alf Slender from that day on.
7. He did this to everyone! People nodded to him in public, he never nodded back! It was as if they were dead to him!
8. I remember him doing it to Leigh “Scungy” McCormack. He did it to me! He probabably did it to Russell and Nick as well…


“Job Satisfaction”.

I was at a Mass Meeting of union members back in the 1980s when the Big Boss came down to address the Workers.
The printing company was planning to “work in teams,” and “work smarter, but not harder.
” Yeah Right!
After spending quite some time preaching on the merits of the new system and how it was a “win-win” situation for everybody at the company, the boss paused and said, “Are there any questions?”
Agonising silence followed and then a voice pops up at the the rear of the meeting.
In a gruff, sarcastic tone the questioner asks his question.
“What are we going to get out of it then?” “This workin’ smarter stuff in teams.”
Proudly the Big Boss proclaimed, “JOB SATISFACTION.”
“Well, Fuck me,” the questioner retorted.
“Job satisfaction never bought my kids a square meal or clothes for their back.”
The Big Boss turned on his heels and strode quickly away.
Meeting Closed.

“Don’t tell me!”


Warren Pietsch worked night shift for many years and would get his wife to tape the Friday night AFL football match so he could watch it when he got home from work.
An innocent Leading Hand unaware of this in the beginning, strolled up to Warren and started to tell him who was winning.
Warren immediately covered his ears and walked away so his replay of the match would not be spoilt.
The Leading Hand who over the years had seen Warren play many jokes on fellow employees decided that here was a perfect opportunity for pay back.
About every half hour he would approach Warren and start sprouting out the latest scores of the games and Warren would cover his ears and disappear.
This little game continued for several weeks with the same result until one night the Leading Hand sought out Ian Bailey who I think came to and from work in the same car with Warren.
Just before Knock Off Time, the Leading Hand handed Ian a note and asked him to give it to Warren at the time clock.
Ian not knowing what was in the note, obligingly did so.
Guess what was in the note.