Sam the ‘Security Man’.

Sam was a big red headed bloke who was an Internal Courier at the Old Guv Netley Complex.
Always had a lot to say, listened in on conversations and talked a lot of bullshit. Just like all of us!
I believe that in his younger days he was a pretty fair Footballer and Professional Sprinter who won the Bendigo Handicap Running Race in 1950
After a year or so at the Guv. he was promoted to being an Internal Security Attendant (similar to “flipping” Bert Cotton).
Big Mistake.
Unfortunately, Sam used his position of trust to rip off the Comp Room Deli’s Scratchie Ticket fundraiser.
He was eventually sprung by a resourceful and cunning night shift proofreader.
Sam got the boot for that indiscretion after he admitted that he had been stealing from his workmates.
And, YES it is the same Sam.
Big Den

At 3.15 am ‘Big Dogs’ Struck.

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Many years ago on Hansard shift I noticed in the newspaper an advert for two Neil Diamond tickets for sale to his upcoming concert.
I’ve no idea when this happened possibly early 1980s. I cut the advert out and placed it in my desk for some reason, never intending to go to the concert.
Still on shift work, but about one year later, I found the ad in my desk.
I jokingly, mentioned it to Big Dogs (Peter Cornish) that I should ring them up to see if they still have the tickets.
He said, “Ring up then, see if they still have them”!
I said, “You gotta be kidding, it’s three in the morning”!
“Dogs” said, “Give me the ad, I’ll ring them up”.
The time is 3.15 a.m. yes, morning lunch break on Hansard shift!
So, Big Dogs rings the number, the phone is picked up after quite a few rings, then he very calmly says, “Have you still got those Neil Diamond tickets for sale”?
There was a pause while the poor bloke was getting his sleepy head around this question then the very loud response came:
“Do you know what f . . . g time it is! Who is this? No, I don’t have the f . . . g tickets”!
(Speaking to his wife . . .”This f . . . g bloke is asking if I still have those f . . . g Neil Diamond tickets for sale . . .”)
Big Dogs and others were just about rolling around on the floor with laughter. Hilarious at the time, but very cruel all the same.
The next morning at about the same time he rang up again but, this time, his wife picked up the phone!
“Dogs” said “Are you sure you still haven’t got those tickets?”, then quickly hung up.
The prank ended there.
About Big Dogs: Compositor, ex Vietnam Vet, pisspot (loved Canadian Club), hellraiser, card sharp, and apprentice lunatic.
Best mate: Shorty Moncrieff.
stolen biro

The sad tale of an Afghan Hound and a Wabbit.

WARNING: If you trust your best mate. Think Again.
What if, you had a mate that you worked alongside for years. What if, after work and on the weekend you socialised with that mate and his family.
What if, your mate won a 2 week Pacific cruise in a Lottery draw, and What if, your mate had a stupid and dopey Afghan Hound (remember when they were popular in Oz?).
What if, your mate asked you to look after the dopey Afghan for the 2 weeks they would be away on the cruise. You Agree! Woops! Big Mistake!
What if, after 4 days the Afghan had broken a priceless vase, shit in your bedroom, terrorised the kiddies and pissed in every corner of the house. What if, you couldn’t stand the sight of the dog!
What if, you were so upset you had a lapse in judgement and decided to go “wabbiting”. Take the dog? Bad idea! So you grab your old single shot Lithgow .22 and go “wabbiting with the “Dope.”
AH! The fresh air and what is that I see. A Bunny, A Wabbit, stand still little wabbit. You take careful aim and POP! It falls dead, a neat hole in the head. But it’s not the wabbit because the Afghan lies motionless, it had jumped headlong into the path of the bullet.
The wabbit hops slowly away, wondering “what the fuck.”
You wonder? Hmmm! That Afghan could never have bin huntin’ before… Oh! well! Them’s the breaks! Your mate arrives back from the cruise.
“I am sorry to inform you that your Afghan got under the fence and runned away.” “Heartbreaking, it was….”
Warren

“Kindy Kopped”.

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Grubby Hartshorne had a real perk going.
The Grubs had a swimming pool in his backyard and the water needed to fill it would have cost a lot back in the 1980s (imagine the cost today)
But Grubby had a scam which had been suggested by Alex Riley.
At night the Grubs would climb over the back fence, connect his hose to the Kindergarten tap and fill his pool up with kindy water overnight.
Elsdon decided our Grubby needed to be taught a lesson. He got on the Foreman’s phone and rang Grubs in the Intertype room.
Hartshorne answered and Elsdon said he was from the Water Board, following up a complaint from the Kindergarten behind Grub’s place.
He said that they had witnesses who had seen an overweight and balding man clambering over the kindy fence at night with a garden hose which he connected to the Kindergarten taps.
Well, Grubby absolutely SHIT himself. We were peeping through the door and could see the beads of sweat pouring down his face.
After a few minutes contemplating his future at Yatala Gaol he looked up saw us and realised that he’d been truly had.
Did he stop pilfering the water from the poor little kiddies? Don’t know!
Warren

Meg Smart.

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This is Meg Smart, who was a bit of a Legend at the Old Guv.
Meg had a few nicknames at the Printer, all to do with having the ability to promote outrageous stories about her co-workers (generally true).
But today she is a intelligent charming, womanly human being with a bubbly nature.
Who did she marry you may ask?
He was a thin, balding young compositor lad callled Trevor Smart (nicknamed Agent 99).
Trevor was a good bloke until he fell under the spell of Alex Riley who become his mentor. It was all downhill after that.
Nowadays, both he and his beloved Meg corral the shopping trolleys at the local Coles supermarket.
Meg Smart of course is the Boss.
Photo by Mark Noble

Who was The Strange ‘Tie Cutter?’

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1. Who was the Comp who would befriend all newcomers in the Comp Room?
2. He would gather all the information about their lives, their marriage, their children and their hobbies.
3. He would befriend them, they would think he was a lovely man…
4. After about 3 or 4 months he would cut all ties with them!
5. Some say he never spoke to them ever again.
6. His longest friendship was with Alf Slender (a pleasant Englishman).
For over a year the two families would socialise together. They went to the movies, had picnic days, attended Dances (where Alf played the Drums).
Then, on a Monday morning after a Weekend of joyous family fun, Alf said “Good Morning” to the Mystery Man.
There was absolute SILENCE. For a second time Alf said “Good Morning”.
Our Mystery stranger turned and walked away and never spoke to Alf Slender from that day on.
7. He did this to everyone! People nodded to him in public, he never nodded back! It was as if they were dead to him!
8. I remember him doing it to Leigh “Scungy” McCormack. He did it to me!
He probabably did it to Russell and Nick as well…

Warren