Ivor Bleach, the Old Guv’s Evel Knievel.

001-11The late Ivor Bleach was an Englishman who was a hot metal compositor and had worked at the Griffin Press prior to starting at the Old Guv.
He was a social animal who loved parties, a pint of beer, apples and his little motor bike.
His wife (deceased) loved parties too, her name was Pearl, which was a bit unfortunate for Pearl.
Ivor could be quite annoying at times, he chomped loudly on apples while listening to Ted Powell and Myles Conlon.
They both disliked him intensely.
But it was his antics on his motorbike on his way to work and on his way home that defied description.
He had been involved in a number of prangs and dingles and was lucky to be alive. He was quite honestly a terrible bike rider and road hog.
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“Ivor, I wish you’d be more careful on that bike of yours!”
“’ere then – move over a pica!”
“I’m sure there wasn’t a fence around that bloody hole!”

Stolen Biro

Holiday from Hell in a ‘Sardine Sedan.’

sardinebusm-scaled500John Freebairn and Robert Padfield, who worked in the Comp. Room were the best of mates,
Their wives got on famously as well. The two families would have barbecues together at each other’s house and celebrate their birthdays when they came around.
John and Robert even played Golf together (poorly) at Kooyonga Golf Course where Robert’s rich Dad had got him a membership.
After years of friendship they decided to go on a holiday together. It was going to be a Driving holiday all over Tasmania for two weeks.
They went in Roberts car, which was a small Four Cylinder Noddy car (I can’t remember the make or model).
Now, there was ample room in the front, but for the tall and lanky John and Suzanne in the back, they were packed in like Sardines in a Can and very, very, uncomfortable
UP and DOWN Tasmania, they went. Robert drove always at the wheel and in the front with his wife Pauline.
In desperation John would drop huge hints to Robert that he and Suzanne could drive for a while but the Padfields ignored them and stayed in the Front the whole trip?
When John got back to work I asked, “How was the Trip?”
“Never Again!” he said. “Never, ever fucking again”.
John started to go downhill physically after that experience, all that travelling cramped up in the back of Robert’s Noddy Car had taken its toll on his back!
Warren

‘Fletch’ versus ‘Wingy’.

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The Old Guv’s Production Manager at Netley Ron “Ankles” Fletcher awoke from a dream one morning that was just so “beautiful”.
For that night he had dreamt that he was the Grand Imperial Wizard of Freemasonry and before him on the Stone of Sacrifice was one Cathy Wing.
Now Cathy was a Tea Lady and had been since Day One!
The fact that she could talk under 40 feet of wet concrete with a mouthful of marbles was a bit offputting for some.
But she was a mine of gossip and made a good cup of Tea (except for the day she forgot to put the Tea in the Urn).
Cath never deserved what Fletcher had planned for her. So he gets me in as the Union Rep. and announces, “We are getting a Tea and Coffee Vending Machine!”
“Does that mean that eventually Cath would lose her job?” I asked. “That is a good word, Eventually.”
“Yes, she would be surplus to requirements and evenyually we would have to let her go,” he answered.
Which when translated into BossSpeak means “We’ll Fuck Her Off!”.
“So are we going have an Assessment trial of the Machine, while Cath stays on?” was the question.
“Yes”, he replied. “I’m quite confident that free vending machine coffee and tea will win the day!’
As I left his Office I muttered under my breath, “Like Fuck it will!”
The Rest is history, no-one touched that vending machine, it just sat there until the day they took it away.
Cath was happy to keep her job.
Ankles was furious and accused me of organising a “Black Ban.”
“Prove it!” I replied.
derwombat

The Flippers and Floppers of the Old Guv.

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Flippin’ and Floppin’ were swear words used by our Salvation Army workmates.
The two main users of these weak as piss swear words were Bert Cotton and the late Ivan (Frecklehead) Merrett.
Allan (Porky) Dell, Trevor (Mr. Nice Guy) Roberts and Steve Jones (Monocaster) would also use these words freely when they had the shits on with the comps.
The big question is what word did flippin’ replace and what word was floppin’ replacing?
I often wondered what a Salvation Army service would be like if they all got angry or all holy and started calling each other flippin’ and floppin’ idiots.
Can’t you just imagine Ivan Merrett telling Bert, “I say Bert, you really are a big flippin’ dobber.”
Then Bert would reply, “Ivan, go and get flopped!”
I wonder if the Salvation Army still uses these words today?
Warren

The Toff Strikes Again.

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Some years ago The Toff callously inundated the late unsuspecting Bob Miller with a Tsunami of filthy, putrid water by deliberately driving his expensive Jaguar through a large pool of rain water outside the Rex Hotel.
Since then that evil bastard Toff has been looking for another victim.
He settled on Brian “Grubby” Hartshorne, with whom he had a long feud spanning some 50 years.
All over a bunch of bloody leaves, would you believe.
Anyway, we have a mind boggling graphic image from the day of the vicious incident where Riley the Toff finally settled up on his mate Grubby! (see above).
Shocking isn’t it? What a Bastard is the Toff.

The Day the Car Pool nearly Died.

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This Tale is about the night I saved the lives of Chris Smith, Trevor Smart and Ian Bailey.
And, myself of course.
The four of us had a little green mini-minor that we car pooled to work. Trevor normally drove to work and I usually drove home.
Ian Bailey was quite content to sit in the back staring blankly out of the window, Chris Smith sat next to Ian rubbishing everyone he could think of, but especially Ashley Williams, Russell Wight and Rod Parham.
Trevor would tell anyone who would listen about the wackas and gossip that came out of the front office that day.
He banged on boring everyone shitless!
I would drive ever watchful of the road ahead. But with Chris and Trevor droning on in the background it was difficult to concentrate.
I would not put shit on any person and would not back-stab any of my workmates all of whom I held in the highest regard.
We were at the top of Marion Road waiting to turn right into Main South Road. The lights changed and as I went to turn, suddenly, a car flew in front of us cutting across our path.
I calmly pulled the wheel neatly avoiding a fatal accident.
But we were now heading up Flagstaff Hill Road.
After our near death experience, everyone patted me on the back.
As we headed up Flagstaff Hill Road, Chris wanted to celebrate by getting on the piss (this was no surprise).
Trevor wanted to buy a X-Lotto Ticket, meanwhile Ian Bailey kept staring blankly out of the window…
Warren.